please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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