I'm jealous of your bromance
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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