I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
