i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
where does the pee come out of this thing
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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