i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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