If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
