at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
