Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
