No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
