She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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