I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
