Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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