did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
