My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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