I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
