Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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