Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.