I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often