he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
