my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
