I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
