One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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