just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
