You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
