So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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