Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
