mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
