You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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