I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
