I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
