i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
