I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
