Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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