I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
