ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
