I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am available for nakedness