Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
