This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
