Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
