Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
