i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
