Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
