Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
