so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
