There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
