Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
