so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
