Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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