He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
40s are totally the cure
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
