Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
