We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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