the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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