Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
