Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
