When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
