Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
