I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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