He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
