I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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