nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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